Friday, October 21, 2016

31 days to a kinder me. Day 21.

Well - I cannot speak for others on this, only myself. There have been times when I tossed and turned and my brain just would not shut up because I knew I did not be the best Ellen I could have been in a specific situation. 

I do hope I am doing better - I am trying. In general I fall asleep rapidly - often with book in hand - unless I am having problems with my allergies. The tossing, turning, restlessness when it occurs is a sure sign I have not been as kind, as true, as loyal, as consistent as I know I can be.  I do not like playing the coulda/woulda/shoulda game with myself.

I do not have as many days left here on this big blue marble as I once did. I do not know how many I have left, but seeing as I will be 58 in less than 2 months definitely indicates there will not likely be another 58 years. 

I am lazy, and I do not like to have to expend a lot of energy and brain time on things I want do-overs at. So the smart, and easiest, thing is to do my best to do my best the first time. 

I am also very insecure, and am not at all fond of worrying about if people like me enough. My solution is to do my best to be fair, be pleasant, be personable, be forgiving as much as I can. That way I don't have to worry if people like me. Because if I have done my true best, and there is a problem, then in general it may be more about them than about me. 

I am proud to be me. I am as proud of my errors as I am of my triumphs, because I learn from both. I am proud that I have reached the point in my life where I know I do not know everything, and am excited about how much more of this glorious journey I have yet to experience. Books to read, music to hear, people to share a smile with. So much left to experience. 

So I need those good hours of satisfied rest, to see what the next day brings. More life to love, warts and all. 

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