Sunday, March 31, 2013

An Easter Memory

Easter 2000. Oscar was in the first stages of his fight against the cancer that would take his life 10 months later at the age of 24. Patricia and her two sons were visiting, Daniel was 10 and Michael was almost 8. Dianna was at home still, 20 years old.
Friends invited the family to go to Easter services at a large Baptist church in Bristol and all of them but Ann went. They rode in the Villager van, and the six of them really enjoyed the service. Oscar had some discomfort, his leg was bothering him. The cancer was causing extreme pain and he limped noticeably. There was a soft tissue tumor in his left hip about the size of a softball.
Roger is a very consistent person, one of regular habit. He always assures he has the vehicle keys before locking the doors. Except for this day.
When church services were over they mingled with fellow worshipers for a while then headed to the van. That was when they realized the keys were in the van, and the spare set was in Abingdon. The family friend went to retrieve the keys from Ann in Abingdon.
The weather was beautiful. A picture perfect Spring Sunday. Warm, sunny, blue skies, trees leafing out and flowers in bloom. There was a play area adjacent to the parking lot with playground equipment, swings, seesaws, a merry-go-round. The two children of the friends, Michael, Daniel, Dianna and Oscar made their way over to play on this beautiful Spring afternoon. Oscar was limping, obviously in pain, but for those moments he was fully engaged in the joy and laughter of childhood once more. Playing on the merry-go-round, pushing the younger ones on the swings. Playing, laughing, the joyful happy soul he had always been fully present in the moment.
Patricia was always prepared as most mothers are and had water and snacks with her. They had an impromptu picnic in the park, and it was a day for precious memories to be stored. It ended up being over an hour before they were able to get into the van and head home for the Easter feast awaiting them.
What some may have seen as a coincidence, an irritation, an inconvenience Roger sees as divine intervention. Because of the one time in his memory that he locked the keys in his vehicle and did not have a spare in his wallet, he has in his memory this incredible time Oscar, the nephew he helped raise, being able to really laugh and play one last time. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

In Need

One never knows the twists and turns life journey will take, one never knows which decision, which choice will be the right one, which will be the wrong one.

I am not sure what people see when they look at me, at my life. I try to be a kind, compassionate, caring person. I know I can be harsh, impatient, callous. Human nature is comprised of a conglomeration of traits - virtues, flaws, defects, an idiosyncratic.mixture that is constantly re-configuring itself.

I know I am stubborn, and proud. I know I like to laugh, and  tend towards obsessively over think situations. I am insecure in a lot of ways, and am prone to rash decisions. If people were separated into 2 groups, one being those who burn the bridges as they cross the rivers from one phase of life to the next and the other being those who maintain a smooth continuity of connections and relationships I would fall into the burner category more often than not.

I have learned these things about myself. I do the best I can, and I suppose in the end that is all any of us can do.

We as a culture judge. We look at others lives and make assumptions and judgments based on what we see. None of us know what circumstances, experiences, influences have brought a person to the particular point in the life we are privy to.

I have been out of work since October of 2010. I have a husband who is on Social Security disability. We have a house payment and monthly expenses that have not been treated kindly by the current economy. I have applied for so many jobs I have lost count.

We have had kindnesses extended, gifts from friends and relatives that have been there to provide when I could not see how provision would come. They know who they are, and they know the depth of my gratitude for their generosity.

I cannot ask for a personal loan from anyone because I do not know if or when I would be able to repay a loan. I list and list and list handmade items for sale on eBay and nothing sells. Our savings are gone. I fear our electricity may be disconnected soon.

I am in need, and I am making an open plea for charity.

This is so embarrassing for me to write. I just do not know what else to do. Any suggestions?

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Decisions Cannot Be Undecided

Yes, I know - we all know this.

But there are times, at least for me, when I forget, have forgotten, this truth - time may move slowly, or at the speed of months in a day, but it always moves forward.

Words cannot be unspoken, decisions cannot be undecided. Burnt bridges leave a gulf that cannot be breached.

I cannot live in the past, I know this. I cannot rewind and get a do-over. Hell, if I am honest I would probably make all the same decisions again, Because a rewind would more than likely erase the knowledge gained from the pain and regret, so all of the same impulses and rashness of moment would still be in place.

I have been in rough spots before, but right now I really am in the roughest yet. Materially, financially. Hard lessons learned.

It almost seems as if the more successful I am at being real with who I am at core, the more I strive to be kind and sincere, the more difficult things are. 

Years ago, 20 years or more, I had a situation arise where I chose to be true to my beliefs and standards and ended up being income free. I opted not to compromise my principles and had a rough couple of years as a result. 

It seems as though this is a continuation of that time. 20 years has put a lot of mileage on me. Not sure how this one is going to pan out.

I am hoping for a miracle.