Blessings and a Rant

There is so much on my mind these past days. I suppose I really need in some ways to curtail my activities online, much as I have curtailed watching the "news" on television. Going back to July, take a retrospective with me. We saw a big gay rights / same-sex marriage brouhaha. That took us through to August, then it was time for the presidential election. Oh the debates, the controversies, the vile vicious hatred that flowed like water from all ideologies and directions for week after week after week. During the Election Season we saw a terrorist attack in Libya and a truly horrendous hurricane that decimated the northeast, especially New York and New Jersey. 

One would think the atmosphere would ease, clear once the election was over ... nope. We just carried on as usual. The big news/controversy going into December was the looming "Fiscal Cliff", which to be honest I would be more concerned over if it were not the same song just a new verse that we hear year after year after year. Lots of recriminations and no solutions. Then the unimaginable happened. 

December 14, 2012. Tragedy and loss almost beyond comprehension. Twenty children dead. Six school personnel as well. A mother murdered in her bed by her youngest son. And the perpetrator taking his own life, along with the answers to the wailing sobs of "Why?!?!?!" heard throughout the nation. 

The dead were barely identified before the new uproar began. Gun Control. Second Amendment rights. Identification and treatment of the potential nutjobs walking among us. Conspiracy theories. 

Then we have the "Mayan Apocalypse" "Great Shift" for December 21, 2012. I am so tired of it all. Really really tired. 

People are not going to change. People are greedy, selfish, power hungry, money grubbing, self justifying animals. I feel so over it all.

 

I tend to be unconventional in many ways, and do not *do* Christmas per se, except to the extent that is needed for family gatherings. I do not send cards any more, and gifts are not part of my MO either. I just wanted you to know that for me the spirit of love, community and fellowship that most people try to drag out of the mothballs for six weeks out of 52 each year should be more than that. For if we cannot embody a love and appreciation for our lives, families, friends and fellow creatures every day we show disrespect by doing so on demand.  

There is a greeting I routinely send to people on my Facebook friends and family list. I tweak it from time to time to suit specific personalities and/or relationships. Here is my greeting for all year, not just for the current season:

Brightest Blessings to you on this day. May you have more happy than sad, more laughter than tears, more love than hate, more friends than enemies, more sunshine than rain, more light than dark this day and all days to come.

Love, Light and Blessings Always. Ellen

A December to Remember - and Mourn

This has been a difficult month thus far.

I believe most people identify with that statement on an individual level most months. Things happen, life happens. Much of what sticks for us is the difficult, the painful. The good, the easy, the happy - these melt into the background. We expect as our due the good in life. 

But life is not always good, or easy or happy. There is chaos and pain and turmoil at every turn. We are constantly challenged by life. Challenged to rise to the occasion, to overcome the obstacle, to accept the unacceptable. It is those times that we remember, that we memorialize. The Pearl Harbor Memorial has been a common December remembrance for decades.

We also remember John Lennon 

at this time of the year.

Sadly, we now have another image that will permeate our collective memory for December, that of Newtown, CT.

There are no words, no wisdom or musings I can add that will change or ease what has happened. As a nation we are reeling once again at the actions of one person that have altered our lives in inexplicable ways. Hundreds of friends and relatives have had their understanding and appreciation of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" altered forever.

Once more we are forced to ask some difficult questions of ourselves and those we look to as leaders. Many questions with no clear answers, much pain and anguish that has no ease. 

There are countless families that will savor their times with friends and family at a more intense level this year. Children will continue to add to their memory bank another holiday season. The adults and older children will have perhaps a sharper appreciation of the intangibles that we strive for in life. 

My birthday has always waged a battle with the holidays, as it is a mere 9 days before Christmas, 7 days before Yule. This year a pall I am not sure will ever lift was added, because in my mind December 14 will loom larger that December 16, 25 or 21. 

We need something to change. Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, Newtown ... How many places will be added to the list?  I do not think there are any easy answers. There are most definitely a great many difficult questions. 

Blessings to all who read these words.

What do you remember about your mother?

I am not sure how you go about crediting photos, but the above image is from Rides.com.

I posted this to my Facebook wall, and the following conversation developed. My Facebook name is Ellen WhiteOwl Smith-Apple. Rhiannon Smith is my niece.

I posted the first comment with the picture

You think Mom would go for this? I giggle just thinking about the look on her face. I am so mean ...

Rhiannon Smith She might like it :)

Ellen WhiteOwl Smith-Apple She would say Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!! When we were young we tried to teach her to ride a bicycle, and hula hoop. Get her to tell you about it. She was so much fun as a mother.

I have thought a great deal about this over the weeks since I had this interaction. My mother was 25 years old when I was born, and throughout our childhood she was one of the fun mothers. I am not real sure I appreciated that aspect of her personality. There was a lot of laughter in our house. My sister and I would roll on the floor laughing at times.

When we (my sister and I) were about 12 and 14 she went to work at the elementary school as an aide in a kindergarten class. She loved children so much, and would wipe their tears and give them hugs as needed. I suppose that would not be allowed in schools today. She made it a personal crusade to assure that there were sufficient funds for all the children to participate in all activities. No child went without ice cream. All children went to paid activities like shows and plays and field trips to farms. Each child had at least one book to take home from the book fair. Those with less always had enough. She took socks and gloves and underwear and soap to school on a regular basis. She unabashedly harassed her clubs and ladies groups for monies to help the children at her school. All of this was done in a manner as to not belittle or call attention to those in need.

We were not well off. We were not even middle class. I cannot ever remember having surplus, except for laughter and family and love.

She and my father did well, they loved us and helped us grow into pretty decent people. She usually but not always let Daddy do the physical discipline. We were rambunctious kids.

They played with us, games and cards and outside. They welcomed all of our friends, often feeding 3 or 4 extra at mealtimes.

Just a few memories of my mother on the eve of my 54th birthday.

Barn

Seen from the truck, a barn and pasture on New Garden Road

This was in October, 2012. Photography by Roger Apple, using a Kodak Z915.

Pretty scene, is it not? This is on the road that we drive if we go from Nashs Ford to Honaker. Not abandoned, part of a working farm.

A Special Day

Did the title grab your attention?

Today really is a special day, as was yesterday, as will be tomorrow.

Oh, no - yadda yadda affirmation crap

No, not really. More along the lines of seize the day pragmatic this is how Ellen makes her life work thoughts.

You see, when I was younger I was always waiting for IT to happen. The big moment, the day of all days, the event that would make sense of all that had been happening up to that point. Then I would get depressed, though I did not see it as depression. As a result, I totally missed the point of life for a long long time.

( This is the seize the day part. )

We have opportunities and joys and sorrows all the time. I mean ALL the time. We are sentient sensory beings. Sentient in that we are thinking, reasoning communicative beings. Sensory in that we conduct our lives based on the input received through our senses. You remember those. Hearing, touch, taste, sight, smell. There is a constant flood of raw data streaming into our brains through our central nervous system from our environment. Our brain processes the data, and sorts it into blocks of information we can process instantaneously, drawing in no small part from a database that has been being amassed in our memories since before we were born.

As we age parts of the collection process may not work as well as they once did, at times people may totally lack one or more of  our senses. Our brains and bodies adapt and compensate.

Today is special because I am able to combine everything I have learned and experienced up to this point in my life and experience the events of the day based on that vast database.

Example: Yesterday I received the wrong items on a sandwich at a restaurant. If I return to the same restaurant today I will be more precise in my order. Were the sandwich especially repugnant to me, I may opt to go to a different restaurant.

Every day will present situations that necessitate the same process of evaluation and adaptation. Many of them are so ingrained in our overall experience that they pass unacknowledged. 

I began writing this post almost two months ago. We are now in the first week of October, one of my favorite times of the year. The temperature here at Little Beaver Creek has already been in the forties some mornings, and there is a dappled effect to the bright sun as it streams through the tree branches. A time of anticipation, expectation. And yet there is a melancholic element as well. 

There is an air of uneasy anticipation wafting about, unease about the impending election, unease about jobs and the economy, trepidation about the future.  The energy created can be one that energizes, or one that paralyzes.

I suppose that is the thing, is it not? How we utilize what was and what is to mold what will be next. Because life works like that, in a stream of activity. We want to manipulate the flow and speed, but we really can only take the ride as it comes to us. We can't slow down the sweet, speed past the unpleasant, rewind and have a "do-over" on the really stupid things we invariably do. 

I am taking a long hard look at the state of Ellen's life, and there are changes that need to be made. Today is special because I can start those changes now. 

That is a very good thing. One heartbeat, one breath, one step, one decision at a time. That is how life is lived. Not in the regrets or glories of the past, not in the dreams and dreads of the future. But in the here and now. Today.

A special day.

Votes and Assholes

It has been several weeks since I posted on my blog, and every few days I say to myself. "Self, you really need to write something profound for your legions of followers to have for hope and inspiration."

Then I laugh, because at most 15 people may read this.

Unless you live in Narnia or a constant state of ignorant bliss you are more than aware of the impending presidential election, which true to form has ignited maelstroms of debate and acrimony across the nation. This year seems to be especially acrimonious, which I am speculating has to do a great deal with the addiction many of voting age have for social media. Say what you will of the medium, Facebook has definitely provided an almost unfettered platform for the passionate, the impassioned, the educated and the uninformed upon which fierce battles are waged constantly. 

I am trying to stay out of the way of the majority of the posts and links and clips. Not because I am not an active citizen, but because I do not see the benefit in the process. 

I registered to vote as soon as I could, and have voted in every election I was able to since. I have voted in local, state and national elections. I have seen the election of candidates I supported, and the defeat of candidates I truly thought would have been capable. I have been proven wrong in my beliefs, and I have been right about issues and concerns. None of which gives me any special ability or knowledge that results in being able to force my opinions down someone's throat. 

Truth be told, it is very challenging to vote and do it right. The sheer magnitude of information and disinformation available to the American public is at an all-time high. There are network and cable and syndicated "news" programs. There are print and online newspapers and magazines. There are unsolicited phone "polls" and "surveys". There are flyers and pamphlets starting to trickle in through the USPS. There are yard signs and bumper stickers and the impassioned handing out literature in shopping centers across the country. 

We cannot know which choice will end up being the correct man or woman for the job.

There. I have said it. Let me repeat that.

We cannot know which choice will end up being the correct man or woman for the job.

There is no clear choice, no flashing red or blue arrow saying this one. 

The right person today may be a mistake next week, and the mistake we make today may end up being the best mistake ever made. 

We need to trust more, we need to have faith in the ability of our fellow citizens to do the right and good and decent thing at least 51% of the time. We need to remember that life is a multitude of colors, not just black and white. We need to look for and cultivate the good in one another, and understand that the most any of us can do on any given day is try our best with the resources we have at hand. 

When someone, ourselves included, falters, we need to remember that no one person carries the weight of all of life, we share that burden among ourselves. 

Sure, I would prefer 100%, or even 75%. But I am pragmatic, realistic. So I am shooting for 51%, maybe 60% on a good day.

I have one vote come November and I will use it to the best of my ability, I have an asshole too. Doesn't mean I have to be one. 

Life Wearies Me - Or Perhaps It Is Just People

A damaged soul, for reasons that may never be known [ and if known will probably not make sense or be coherent] commits a reprehensible act. Almost before we can process, the crap starts to fly around the blogosphere, drip down the Facebook feed, scream at us from the "news".

Conspiracy theorists. Gun Control. Terrorists.

Cameras and microphones and livefeeds as the friends and families and shattered lives are hounded relentlessly.

Religion and psychology and psychiatry and education reform and media influence and popular culture are all prodded and poked by the talking heads on the television screen, spouting theories and spinning lies and truths into a fabric that will be cut and sewn and ripped apart ad naseum in the days, weeks, years to come.

Connections are made where it is convenient though implausible. The unscrupulous suck the tragedy dry like insatiable vampires as they desecrate the private pains for their own gains. Why not? they self-justify - my cause, my beliefs, my candidate, my agenda is what really matters.

There is a book  I read about six years ago for the first time that speaks to the idea that we create our own reality. As invincible as we go about life thinking we are, our current incarnation of energy that includes the ability to think, reason, dream, communicate is a very fragile and fleeting thing. Since according to Don Miguel Ruiz we create the reality we walk in each day, why not make it a reality of hope, of joy, of dreams, of possibilities?

I am not naive - one does not get to be 54 years old and go through the events of my life and retain a childlike innocence and naivete. I am firmly committed to the belief that life is about balance, light and dark, good and evil, yin and yang. That being said, we are sentient beings. Why are we (humanity as a whole) not able to function in a manner that is less base? What benefit is history, all the volumes of recorded history, if we continue to repeat the same actions and continue to get the same results?

There is greed, avarice, discord, hatred, cruelty in this world. Life is a cycle, and what becomes ceases to be. There is generosity, compassion, love, gentleness in this world. Life is a cycle, and what becomes ceases to be.

Embedded in the here and now for each of us is a chance to choose, to make a difference that matters in good ways.

Yet once again, when the incomprehensible has occurred, the lowest common denominator rises to the forefront.

Life wearies me, or perhaps it is just people.