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Sunday, March 16, 2014

Silent Memorial


Silent Memorial



Two tall brick chimneys stand

Silent sentinels among the weeds

Debris of days at end

The dead still among us

A monument to youth



Facing one another straight and square

Ever fixed in time yet infinity looms

In the firebox

Now but gaping jaws

Devouring light and joy



Flames once roared

Warmth became inferno

Hearth no more a refuge

No comfort there found

As walls fell in agony



Lives not yet lived

Hopes consumed

Dreams to terror and rage

Breath sucked from the breast

As smoke poured in



Each time I pass my eyes scour

Searching for the wildflower

The fledgling bird in nest

Craving mute testimony

For reason in the chaos



Forty years since passed

Yet still they stand

Through winter's gloom

In autumns tapestry

Unwavering in resolve



~ Ellen Apple

16 March 2014



There was a house fire when I was in 12th grade. Sisters perished in the old 2-story white house, and the chimneys are still there, at the junction of Middle Creek and the Cedar Bluff Road, across from the Perry farm. Up on a hill, surrounded by overgrowth. The family name was Osborne. I remember the tragedy every time I go to Mom's and see those chimneys, a silent memorial to lives lost so young.... They perished Feb 18, 1977. They were one year apart in age, Nancy was born in 1960, Carolyn in 1961. Juanita also perished, she was born around 1966 and was in the fifth grade.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Facebook Excerpts

On Priorities

There was a horrible mix-up in the breakfast program where I live this winter one day when schools were on late schedule. As a result, the breakfast was not available. There were some very hungry children, needing to eat because they were getting physically ill from hunger. I have a friend who teaches here and she and other teachers were scrambling through their personal goody stashes to hand out Cheezits and other goodies. The issue has been resolved, thankfully. There are bookbag programs at the community colleges, many churches and service organizations to provide food for children who have no access to reliable nutrition on the weekend. Puddings, Fruit Cups, Juice Boxes, Snack Crackers. Dammit, people, children need to eat. What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with our society?

I have nothing against animals, handicapped children, bullied children, missing adults, children with ADHD, Autism, Aspergers or anything else. But it puzzles me the way people will jump on the bandwagon of a "trending" issue and get all frothing at the mouth and sit back and blame the children by default by disparaging the fact that they are in a position of need and receive free/reduced lunches or have to depend on adults who receive government benefits.

There were over 2 million people that liked a Facebook Page for a little boy who felt othered at school, he received dozens of gifts, thousands of cards, went on GMA, was given a trip to Disney World. That is great, I am happy for him. Why not pay this type of care and attention to the children in every school system in this country who depend on schools who are closed on weekends and during breaks and vacation as the primary source of their nutrition?

Do we not draw a correlation between poor test scores and nutritional deficiencies? We should be doing so. If you are hungry you get headaches, you cannot concentrate, your blood sugar levels will spike and drop. School funding is tied to test scores, teachers are punished because the children perform poorly. Look in the cafeteria!

Look at your priorities, people. Personally, I think people pay attention to and give towards big stories as a way of avoiding the bigger problems. That is why we are so concerned about Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian and Lindsey Lohan.

On Life and Loss

One thing that happens with increasing frequency as you grow older is the passing away of people who are a part of the weaving of the fabric of your life. Our parents, relatives, friends, neighbors. Growing up in a small town, as I did, and having a large family and an even larger 'almost family', as I have, these losses are coming faster and faster for me.

My father, who was born in 1915, lived...
most of his life in the same neighborhood. There was a family that lived across from my grandparents by the name of Shook. They had a son, Bill, who had 3 daughters and a son. His oldest daughter Kathy is the same age as my sister. They had a daughter, Helen, who had 3 daughters and a son. Her two oldest daughters are the same age as my sister and me. They had a daughter, Margie, who has (I think!) two sons and a daughter. There was a blind gentleman, Willard, who was a relative of the Shooks that lived with them that I remember giving us sticks of Juicy Fruit gum. Mrs. Shook still lives in the same house.

At various times, we (Ed, Carol, Mom, and myself) delivered the Bluefield Daily Telegraph to the Shooks, Margie's family, and Helen's family. (Bill did not live in Dalton Addition) Bill became a well known and much loved minister in our little community.

Word has reached me this morning that he passed away yesterday, and thus the fabric of my past has another broken thread. He may not have remembered me if I had encountered him these past years, and I doubt that any of his children other than Kathy would know who I am. I feel very badly for them, losing a father is a hard thing to go through. He lived well, was well loved, and will be well remembered. That is a wonderful legacy. They will be surrounded by family and friends, looked after with care and concern. Because that is what we do for each other.

When people are hurting, we look after them with care and concern. That is the good, and fine, and noble part of being a human. Love, care and concern for one another. And when we do it well, we can become a thread in the fabric that makes up another young person's life that is woven in a distinct manner that will be missed when it breaks, as all threads eventually do. (From March 15)
 
My Husband
 
Hello, Owl here. Today is a very special day, it is Apple's birthday. Join me in wishing him a big Happy Birthday in appreciation for the creativity, vision and talent he shares with the world. He is the embodiment of the term "gentle giant", standing tall at 6'6" and having a heart that is as big as the outdoors he prefers to spend his time in. ( From March 14)
 
A Poem
There may have been unicorns
In the wee hours of this day
Mist hung in the air
Dripping from the bare branches
Almost indiscernible buds beginning to form
On the tips of the trees
Wild violets are out
Soon to carpet the yard
Followed by dandelion
And clover...

The creek has been singing all winter
Ever on the move
That is why I think there may have been
Unicorns in the wee hours
They daintily snack on
Tender young violets
Sip from the cold creek pools
Slip away in the mist
Seen only by sharp eyed cats
And the fairies of the land

~Roberta Ellen Apple 03/15/2014


 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Things that made me smile this week

Roger's view on life, tolerance and playing well with others:
    Apple Speaks:

    There is one thing every human has in common.
    No matter what country, what religion, what gender, what sexual orientation, what political views,

    What everybody has in common in their lifetime they all have to go to the grocery store/marketplace/bazaar/fields for food, shelter, clothing.

    There will always be a clean up on aisle three.

    When you look at different people they reall...y are not that different after all.

    Everybody has one favorite thing that they want the most, one favorite thing they love to eat. That means that we all have to see the thing that is the same in us and quit looking for the difference because we do not all have the same favorite thing.

    My favorite thing is homemade ice cream with fresh, fresh peaches.

    Just pay attention the next time you are out around other people. You will see what I mean.

A Poem I wrote:



Take my wagon to the woods

That is what I should do

Dig some 'seng

Find some ramps

Search out those dry-land fish



Take my wagon to the meadow

That is what I should do

Gather dandelions and clover

Cut some lavender

Brew me some thistle tea



Take my wagon to the fair

That is what I should do

Read some cards

Dance and twirl

Sing the Moon to sleep





- Roberta Ellen Smith Apple, 02/27/2014


This was our sky on Thursday.

Roger is making a crescent moon from a piece of cedar he found in our creek.


My babies.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Bits and Pieces

Flotsam and Jetsam from Facebook, in which I found what I wrote pleasing from Feb. 14 and 15, 2014.
 
 
For all my fierce and beautiful sisters
We who pray and laugh and roar and run together in spirit
We are the Turtle of Native lore
We are made of Stardust
We fight the battle
We bandage the wounds...

We dry the tears with our aged hands
We carry forth the light
We offer comfort in the dark
I am humbled by each of you
 
 
 
 

For all of my glorious friends who are unabashed and unashamed in being who they are in spite of opinion and in the face of censure. You have my deepest respect and highest admiration.
 
 
 
 
 
Fat Fluffy Flatulent
White Whimsical Worrisome
Cold Cumbersome Catatonic
snow
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sometimes I am so impressed (ha) - no make that sometimes I really like what I was able to say in a comment on someone's status. I liked this, so I am sharing it here as well.

I worry that I at times post too much positive - I know that sounds odd, but I do not know how else to say it. I read so much, and feel so horribly for some of the things I have learned, especially through Facebook. I do not want to ever make light of or seem to dismiss the anguish or suffering of another. I can only offer my perspective (if it seems solicited or warranted) and be encouraging and empathetic. There is a game people play where they speculate on what they would do if they won the lottery, and I always end up broke because I would give it all away once my necessities were taken care of. I just feel so damned inadequate.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I seek out people who are different from me, I do not want to be just another middle aged white woman ensconced in her beliefs with a one dimensional view of the world. I want to know people from other religions, or no religion. I want to explore the similarities and differences in lifestyles, languages, cultures, regions, countries, ethnicities, economic and social backgrounds, sexualities and political beliefs,. I want to examine and experience all of life I can. I want to be challenged, I want to learn and therefore be less judgmental (hopefully). I wrote this on a friends timeline  but decided to make it a public post instead because it is as close to a current personal manifesto as I have.
 
 
 
 
 
I am not a big believer in "happy". Let's face it, happy doesn't happen all the time. I am not all that sold on forever romantic love either.
Long term commitment, affection, tolerance, work at balance, give and take, bursts of intense emotion both positive and negative yes, but not hearts and candy and roses all the time. Life is not like that.
Life is hard then we die. People we care about hurt
us. We lose at life in little and big ways. We win at life in little and big ways. And if we try really hard we are able to make it work with another person for at least part of the journey.
It is all a bloody glorious mess from birth to death.

You are welcome for the insight into my mind this morning. Blame it on a caffeine withdrawal headache. I am going to get my coffee now.
 
A response: There is a country song, "Live Like You Were Dying"... We are conceived & begin the dying process from that moment. It is the core of truth that many people miss... We must live like we ARE dying! Because we are!
 
Then me again:  And you and I both know that no amount of love, or medical science, or "smothering" can keep someone from their inevitable fate. I agree we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves, yadda yadda yadda but we also have to be realistic. The only thing constant in life is the end result, in spite of our efforts for it to be otherwise. I do get irritated at people and their refusal to see the realities of life in that regard.
 
And my friend:  All of our modern miracles & advances in health care ultimately do one thing very well... Place guilt on the decision-makers for having to make decisions only GOD is prepared to make. Life & Death are in His power, yet so many people are placed in that position because of having to decide 'when to pull the plug'. That is a wicked, Wicked, WICKED torment that none should have to bear...
 


 


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Living Spare and Living Blessed


I am breaking a long, at times painful silence as I begin typing these letters. I have wasted a good ten minutes already playing with the formatting of this post. In the months since last I sat at a keyboard to share a glimpse of the turmoil than resides in my scary, scary mind much should have happened, and yet nothing of importance leaps forward to be shared. I suppose I have been for the most part going about the busyness of living. Those functions and activities that comprise the seconds and minutes and hours of all of our lives. Eating. Sleeping. Communicating. Showers and personal hygiene, paying bills and emptying garbage cans. Caring for cats and keeping up with friends and family. Reading books and watching television.

I shan't belabor the mundane depressing details of what it had been like for me over the past months and years to not have any income. My efforts and failures at obtaining employment continue, and as I have yet to ascertain any manner of living without need for money I will continue to search out a way to pay those bills and buy that food. There is really no other option, is there?

The laptop I previously used to write and post for my blog died a painful, wheezing, grinding death in September. One of my older half-brothers and his wife very kindly gave me a new one for a birthday/Christmas gift. Such love and generosity. Which brings me to the title I have given this post, “Living Spare but Living Blessed”.

When I last worked I was making somewhere in the neighborhood of 13.50 an hour. That is not a lot of money, but it was sufficient for us to live comfortably when combined with my husbands Social Security Disability check. Now we are living spare. After taking deductions into account, we are living on 1600$ less a month. Let that sink in a moment. 1600$. Now think about the fact that we still have 2 adults to feed, a mortgage payment, taxes, insurance, utilities, medical expenses … Our electric bill came today and I am afraid to open it, I kid you not. I may get drunk first. We have a bottle of bourbon that has been opened and about ½ a shot is gone from it. Maybe I will get out a highball glass, throw in a few ice cubes, fill it to the brim and drink it as I open that envelope.

Scratch that idea. Drinking would raise my blood pressure, and since I have been off my high blood pressure medicine for almost three years that is not such a good idea.

I have not had any new clothes since December 2010. including under garments. He may have one pair of socks that do not have holes. He has lost about 50 pounds, me probably around 30. No trying to. Just less, a lot less, food. No eating out, no junk food, very few desserts. I quit using sugar in my tea and coffee because it costs so much. I am not adverse to cooking, and I am sure my mediocre talents in the kitchen have helped somewhat, but I will admit I am weary of beans and rice all the time. We have been the blessed recipients of gifts of food and other supplies several times and I am not kidding when I say those gifts of love have made it possible for me to put food on our plates. I never realized how expensive toilet paper and paper towels are and I am almost ashamed to admit I use as little of both as I can get by with. Laundry detergent, dish-washing soap, hand soap, bath soap, shampoo, deodorant - all things you take for granted being able to buy the brand and amount you want whenever you need to.

Our microwave oven died and a very kind and generous man brought me a used one he had in storage, I was so humbled and touched. A church sent us a love offering to help us get Roger to Mountain Home for his last medical check-up. Friends and relatives have stood in the gap for me several times over the past year, and I do not know what we would have done otherwise.

I know there are people who have a rougher row to hoe than we have, and I honestly do not know how they manage. The thing about life is that you cannot just stop the progression of time, the ongoing basic needs for survival are always there. Panic has overcome me so many times, fear and worry and stress about things plague my days and nights more often than not these past months. I try not to contemplate too long or deep of the times ahead because I honestly cannot see a good outcome at the moment.

Yes, we are living spare, and we are blessed as well. Blessed to have family and friends and compassionate strangers who have helped us. Blessed to have maintained our relationship, because financial concerns are all too often the cause of marital discord. But I will be honest, somehow somewhere something has got to change, and the sooner the better. I am exploring ways to generate income, hopefully something will come to fruition that will ease matters a bit.

In other news, I had two more installments in my Appalachian tales almost completed when the other computer went kaput. I am going to start on them again, hope to have one ready in the next few days.

Goodnight.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A Poem

Someone 
should have told me
about 30 years ago

To not only 
store away 
those little moments
but 
to lovingly take them out 
from time to time
and remember

the sight 
the smell 
the sound
the summer reunions
the holiday meals
the desultory conversations
the uncontrolled laughter

In the arrogance of 
those endless 
times when 
all my loved ones were still 
enfolding me
in that cocoon of 
familial security

Before my appreciation of 

how wonderful life can be
eroded away 
in the travails of time

And my soul found this yearning
for then 

and 
apprehension
of now





Thursday, April 11, 2013

An Appalachian Tale: Picture Puzzles by Ellen Apple

Picture Puzzles


Granny lived in the cabin here on our home place. That cabin likely was the first permanent shelter here, leastwise as far as I can tell. Now that ain’t to say that Indians weren’t here first off. Fact is, I feel fairly sure they was here. When we was little, we was always findin’ signs from them. Arrowheads was so commonplace I knowed some folks that has as many as a pickle crock would hold.

There are a few good places to find arrowheads. Along side creek beds where maybe hunters would set up for the night, in the fresh turned fields in the early spring, and the caves up on the ridge. Those caves always give me the willies, so I never spent too much time lingering in ‘em and I never did go no further in than the sun could find me. I ain’t skeered of the dark, and I ain’t skeered of no haints but I do carry what my daddy would call a healthy respect for both.

That cabin is a place that holds many a good memory for me ‘cause I used to be sneakin’ off there so much to sit with my granny. She had this ole potbelly stove in the front room, and even in the summertime she was more likely than not to be burnin’ a few lumps of coal or a pile of kindlin’, just so as she could fry some sausage and pop up a pan of popcorn in the grease. Her front room always seemed to smell of popcorn and sausage, and the kitchen was likely to be smelling of lemon pound cake.

Now my granny was never one to sit plumb idle, and there was a whole passel of things she kept at hand to keep ol’ Scratch from making use of her on this Earth. She was a fair hand at needlework, and liked to crochet as well. She had an endless thirst for learnin’ and always had a book or two with a page dog-eared for to mark her place. Now her choice in what to read was an education in itself. She could find a recipe in any magazine, and clipped them all out to try later. Whether she did is still up for debate, I think she done most of that fancy cookin’ in her own head. She liked books ‘bout other parts, like the old west days and over in other lands.  She had books ‘bout healin’ too, and kept her notes in there. She was a right fair hand at roots and plants. Lord, she poured the Sassyfrass tea down us in the wet months. And I reckon we ate enough liver and greens that none of us could ever have weak blood.

Bar none, her favorite thing to do whilst she sat around eatin’ popcorn and sausage was to work on picture puzzles. She had her a special table just for her puzzles. They was a lip all the way ‘round that table, and she had her a big ole’ piece of wallboard that was just a mite bigger than that table what she would keep it covered up with. She had took a length of feedsack cloth and crocheted her a pretty trim all around the edges and she would keep that wallboard covered with that cloth most days. My idea is that any dust that dared get in her cabin was kept off the puzzle this way, and she was able to keep nosy pitchers out of her business as well.

Those picture puzzles were a sight to behold, big ones that has 1000 pieces and more. When she finished one she was particular proud of, she would glue it all together and put it in a real pretty picture frame with glass and hang it, or give it to somebody. I promise you, anyone what was gifted with one of those picture puzzles felt they was right special in my granny’s heart. Most of them was pictures like we had in our schoolbooks. Bridges and buildings and mountains in far off places.

Sometimes I think mayhap Granny was so fond of those picture puzzles ‘cause while she was concentratin’ so fierce on that picture, getting it all put in the proper order, she in her head was travelling to those far off places. No matter how her soul wanted to fly to far off places, time and money and the way life played out for us kept her feet planted here on this land. As much as the beckoning can call us up to the highest points, this air and the dirt we walk keeps us here as sure as if we were a crop planted in the ground.

When my granny passed I was powerful sad. I cried, and could not rest nor sit still. My momma and daddy were my momma and daddy but my granny was special to me in a way that is even these years later hard to put to words. Being raised in the mountains, we are by need close to life and death. We learn to see the way life comes and leaves as being a necessary thing, like breathing or eating or sleeping. It was a fact in my head, and one I had felt, but never ever like that when my granny passed.

Her wake was held at the home place, and she was laid out in her front room. Folks from all over came to pay their respects, for she was loved and known all over these parts. When the time came, I could not bring myself to look full on her face. I did not want my last sight of her to be when she was without breath in her lungs and a smile on her face. Her burying was done here at the home place as well. We have a plot set aside for our people, not far from the creek and where the wind whispers through the weeping willow on a sunny day. The grave markers are carved from those glacier rocks up on the mountain, and the menfolk of the family keeps a good fence up. That way the hogs and sheep and cows don’t graze over the grave plots.

It had been a season since granny had left me, and I reckon I had moped about and drug my feet to the point my momma and daddy were downright exasperated with me. I was outside meandering about, trying to act as though I had more chores to see to. I had slopped the hogs, and scattered scratch for the chickens. The eggs had been gathered and the cows had gone up the side of the hill and would not be back until my daddy sicced the dog to fetch ‘em when it was time to milk. My hand found the holey stone I had tucked in my pocket, and I decided this would be a right fine time to visit the top of my knobby hill.

I had all intentions of meandering up to that special place where Mother and I had our talks, it is true. But my wandering feet took me around the other side of the house, down past the spring house and towards the creek. Now our creek is special, for it begins here on our land, water just rising up out of the rocks and dancing down over the limestone. The creek begins as a fresh water spring, and it is the coldest, sweetest water known to man or woman in these parts. I reckon we could sell it to make money if we were so minded. My daddy had pipes laid, and we have water to the house that comes from that spring. Of course, these days we are all hooked up with The Water Project. I had a mind to tell you today of The Water Project, but if I start on that path I will get all riled up and I have no thought of being riled up when I am in a mood to be tellin’ you about my granny. That tale will have to be told another day.

No, I meandered myself right over towards that fresh water spring, and the place where the water pooled so deep and cool. Have you ever sat and sunk your toes into the soft mud in the bed of a creek? It is like unto velvet, or the soft fur of a pet rabbit. The minnows dart away, and the skippers and tadpoles make themselves scarce as well. We have salamanders in these parts that are the prettiest dark red color, like blood, and crawdads and turtles and garter snakes, all of which I have played with at the creek. I was always careful to play past where my daddy had laid that water pipe, so as to not muddy the water that my momma used to cook and wash our clothes.

As I sat there with my toes curled in the mud, contemplating on things as I was prone to do – more than my momma thought was “good for me” whatever that meant – my big toe ran across something that felt different. I worked at it for a few minutes using my toes then reached down into that icy cold water and pulled out a pretty. Now I was not exactly expecting to find a pretty this day, and certainly not in the fresh water spring pool there just up above where those family grave plots laid. 

An almost in one piece shell of a turtle. Now a turtle, the shell is a wonder to behold. The natives tell us their understanding of how all life came to be here on this earth by using the turtle, saying turtle carries the world on his back, the mountains and the rivers are seen in the pattern of the shell. As I sat there on a rock, running my finger over and around the grooves of that piece of shell I thought of how much a turtle shell brings to mind those picture puzzles granny was always a working on in the cabin. She carried us in a way, I reckon, just like that big turtle that Great Spirit made carries this whole world.

Granny is gone, but we still have pieces of her. We are pieces of her. There are so many folks what loved her, and she was always feeding and healing people, and did enjoy making us laugh when it was a time laughing was okay. Even now, her body down there in that grave, she is still with us.  I truly do believe that.

So anyways, I rinsed that piece of turtle shell off real good and took it to granny’s grave plot and nestled it in beside that piece of limestone my daddy had carved her name into and then took and polished it up right pretty. A pretty for my granny, to always be there when I want to go take a look and remember her and all she undertook on herself when she tried teaching me.

We are all making a picture puzzle in this life, just by the way we live and the people we see and love and sometimes have ill feelings towards. It is up to us to keep that picture pretty, and I have no need to tell you how to do that, now do I? Folks is not turtles, and though it may feel that way at times they are not toting the whole cares of the whole world on their back like that turtle.

I sit from time to time and talk with my granny, mostly when I have knots in my mind because she was a right good hand at untying those mind knots. Mother and granny and my holey stone are all parts of my own picture puzzle. I leave her pretties as well, and I make sure to take her a wild violet when they come out.