Those Deep and Private Hurts

I originally started another post for today, but have reverted it to draft. I just spent over an hour with someone on the telephone, and when I went to get a fresh cup of stale coffee after the conversation ended, this phrase kept echoing through my mind.

Those deep and private hurts.

We all carry them. Deep and private hurts can result in various ways.

When we are young, things happen that we do not yet have the intellectual or emotional maturity to process. We feel the hurt, pain, humiliation, confusion, bewilderment but do not really understand why. 

Humans are definitely complicated creatures. We operate from points of motivation and compulsion we often do not acknowledge or recognize. 

In our current society, we reward the strong, the stoic, those who are driven and persevere.

We are independent and fiercely protective of our individuality, we do not want to have to answer to anyone for our actions.

We confuse want with need, weakness with sensitivity, courage with aggression.

These behavioral patterns are developed over time, sometimes out of necessity or desperation, and grow so ingrained that they become a part of who we are as adults. We do not question. It is just the way we are.

We affect one another as a result, often totally oblivious.

An personal anecdote to illustrate:

The year was 1992. I arrived home from a meeting on a Saturday afternoon to find the closed in back porch in disarray and my husband perturbed with me. There were light-bulbs scattered about - on the floor, in plastic bags, on the top of the clothes dryer. He looked at me in total bewilderment and queried, "Is it possible that we have just one 60 watt bulb that is not burnt out I can put in the bathroom so I can see to shave?" 

I silently walked over to a wooden box, retrieved said bulb, and handed it to him. After he had replaced the bulb in the bathroom, he asked why I had so many burnt out bulbs.

I explained that as a child, we were told not to put  burnt out light bulbs in the trash, and I did not know what else to do with them so I had squirreled them away. I had been doing this for nine years, and had brought 6 years worth of burnt out light bulbs with us when we moved from Florida to North Carolina.

We were able to trace backwards in my life and determine that as a child, because my father would burn the trash, he had instructed us at a young age to not put the spent light-bulbs in the trash can so he would not be injured by exploding glass. As a result, I had developed an ingrained habit of not disposing of the burnt out light-bulbs. Ever.

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We need to learn to recognize these deep and private hurts we all carry, and try to be sure we are not instilling negative behaviors and habits into our relationships as a result of them. 

I really think it would be beneficial. Cathartic even.

Random Thoughts

This is going to be another one of those random collection of things that have been milling around in my brain.

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. That pleases me a great deal.

All in all, I have fond memories of my years in elementary, junior high, and high school. Richlands was not a bad place to grow up in the 1960's and '70's. 

I have signed on to do the NaBloPoMo for February. The theme is "Relative(s)" [not sure if the email had it plural or not!] On January 9 I blogged a birthday tribute to my mother - should I set about composing similar posts for other people in my life, living and dead, or is that taking the theme too literally? There are only two birthdays I can think of at the moment, but I could be random, or focus on other dates of significance and/or relationships.

I watched a documentary today, "Something Is Wrong With Aunt Diane", on HBO. It triggered a thought process that went something like this:

If she did have an alcohol or drug abuse problem, I can really understand if people in her life were unaware. I have seen that happen more than once. 

I have gone to amazing lengths, and made questionable choices, more than once when I had physical or emotional distress.

How well does anyone really know me? How much impact does my recent and distant past have on my current relationships and how they are conducted?

Why does money seem to always inject an unsavory tone to news stories?

Smokie the cat always wants to curl up and sleep on one of our laps after she has eaten. She is not the first cat I have ever shared a home with, but I do believe she is the most loving.

One of my brothers and his lady friend may come to visit soon. I plan to prepare cubed steak and gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits, and brown sugar pie. The menu is comprised of his favorite foods. I will try to document at least part of the food with the camera, and do a blog post with one or more recipes. 

I think the best thing that has happened to me in the last 12 years was meeting Roger. I wish more people knew him better. None of us are perfect, but he is as close to being perfect for me as could possibly exist.

I used to drink my coffee with creamer and sugar, then switched to Splenda. For the past couple of weeks, I have been using just creamer. I think that artificial sweeteners accelerate or increase my appetite. I have been drinking my hot tea with either honey or unsweetened.

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Nemaste'

 

A day off ...

Allergies? Sinusitis? Migraine? Stress? Tension? not sure. I just know it hurts, and all I want is dim and cool and quiet.

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Catch ya'll on the flip side.

What Poor Smells Like

It is no secret to those who have been reading my blog that these are not the best of times for us financially. We are making it, and that is what matters. I am learning much during these spare days, not the least of which is how full and complete my life is in myriad ways that I previously overlooked. 

Being here, and spending so much time online, I have had opportunity to become more familiar with issues and events that previously would not have been on my personal radar. I have deepened some relationships, made new connections, and been blessed in the process.

There are several blogs I read on a regular basis. There is a wonderful website, www.patheos.com, that is a wealth of education and inspiration for me. One of my regular reads on Patheos is Star Foster. Today, she wrote of her current financial struggles, and to say it is eyeopening is an understatement. I think one of the reasons I enjoy her writing so much is her total open attitude. She does not deal in euphemism and innuendo. 

We see news stories everyday about the economy. This being a presidential election year, these stories are everywhere. Big, sweeping stories of fault and blame, numbers up, numbers down, recovery and recession, the disenfranchised and the privileged. Star does not write of these. She writes about beans and cornbread, ramen noodles and vats of soup. 

My first husband used to complain when I made boiled cabbage for dinner. Not because he did not like boiled cabbage. He was very happy to sit down to a meal of boiled cabbage, fried fatback, fried potatoes and cornbread. Just make sure he had some hot sauce to pour on the cabbage and potatoes and he was very glad to eat his way to the bottom of the bowl. 

He complained because of the smell of the boiled cabbage.

He was born in 1933, and came from a large family. His father was a storekeeper, and they would take boxes of groceries to needy families in the cotton mill community where he was raised. His overwhelming memory of those deliveries was, and I quote, "Poor folks houses always smelled like boiled cabbage."

These are times in our communities when a great many homes are smelling of boiled cabbage. 

Times when ramen noodles and saltine crackers are on family dinner tables, not just in college dorm rooms.

Times when meatless meals are not just Mondays, but Wednesdays and Fridays and every other Thursday.

Times when we are planting tomato seeds and onion sets and seed potatoes so we can be sure we will have food on the table come September.

Times when those who live where it is possible are raising chickens for the eggs, and butchering the hens when they quit laying so they can have chicken and dumplings for Sunday dinner.

I grew up in a small town. My father was an exceptional gardener. My mother's parents had a large farm. I learned to garden almost by osmosis, and was helping can green beans and tomatoes and make homemade relish at a young age. I have skills, knowledge and experience.

I worry for those who do not, those who will gather around a stranger in the dried bean aisle of a grocery store because they do not know about sorting, soaking, rinsing, seasoning and cooking dried beans and legumes.

I worry for their children.

I worry for our future.

www.NaBloPoMo.com

Day 24

Today marks day 24 of the blog challenge, but I will not make a post a day because I did not post the day that we observed the protest over SOPA. That is okay with me though, because I felt it was an important issue that needed attention. 

The challenge has been interesting, and I do intend to continue to post more than I did previously. Perhaps I can participate the next round, and do better?

Today I want to talk about spirituality a little bit. My spirituality, my beliefs. What it is that keeps me going from day to day. I am not sure there is a name for the cobbled together set of concepts I strive to maintain. So here they are, not in order of importance:

• I believe that each human has inherent value and deserves to be treated with dignity and respect unless they have shown they do not do the same to others through their actions and choices.
• I believe we have a sacred responsibility to be careful and thoughtful stewards of our mother earth and her resources.
• I believe my actions are my responsibility and your actions are your responsibility but all actions have widespread ramifications so we need to be cautious and not rash in our lives. 
• I believe that how we treat others should not be influenced by our perception of what we think they can do to benefit us materially.
• I believe that there is a connection to all of nature in each of us, and that what I do or neglect to do has results, every day.
• I acknowledge that there is a balance to our existence, good and evil, light and dark, life and death. 

This is just scratching the surface, and I feel it may sound simple. I do believe in a higher power, and think it is perceived in different ways by different people. 

I do not believe in forcing my beliefs on others, or condemning anyone because they do not believe exactly as I do. That being said, I do not agree with using any belief system as an excuse or reason to act in harmful ways towards others, in word or deed. 

I will close with a favorite quote: 

There are no unsacred places. There are only sacred places and desecrated places.- Wendell Berry

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I Suppose *this* is 'Why It Has To Matter'

On the 13th of this month I wrote about the LGBT community and acceptance. I am very naive in some ways, because it has always puzzled me that in such advanced technological and intellectual times as these, when information is available in copious amount from a plethora of sources, people still cling to what are in my view outdated and inherently dangerous ideas.


I am reproducing here, in entirety, a comment that was made on this particular blog-post, and then I am going to delete the comment. I do know the person who made the comment, and want to assure them I am not deleting their comment to try to stifle their opinion. I firmly believe in the right of free speech, individual thought and opinion. I abhor censorship. I am deleting the comment so they will not be subjected to any sort of retaliatory discourse because I do not want my blog to be used for such.


I am quoting the comment, only editing out identifying information, because to me it illustrates the struggles and roadblocks facing a vital part of our society. Any errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation have not been corrected.

oh ellen this is a subject dangerous for me. I truely believe a person's sexual behavior is learned, just like being a pedophile, a race car driver, a school teacher or a farmer. I try not to judge anyone but I don't care for skinheads because they advocate hate and I don't care for gays because they advocate that deviant sexual behavior should be out in the open and not behind closed doors. I have known many gays and even though I liked them as a person I don't agree with public discussion of the behavior. Life ia like a theme park, with many different people, there to enjoy the experience, having to pay for admittance, traveling in different groups some having fun -others not. Gays are like those riding bungee jumping rides seeking the big thrill. Drama and trauma, crazy daredevils. Please don't be angry with me I just don't want children to be taught this is normal behavior

Oh, my how this comment concerns me.  On so many levels. I have known people in the LGBT community for all of my adult life. I, and you, probably know more people in these categories than is realized, because of the type of attitude represented in the above comment. I honestly am at a quandary as to what to say. Not speaking out is tacit agreement, condoning what I truly feel is a dangerous attitude. Opening a contentious dialogue is not my desire either, because tempers flare and defenses are drawn and hurts are inflicted.


As stated, I do know this person, and know they read my blog on a regular basis. So I am going to make a personal appeal to them. Please reconsider you thoughts on this matter, and research some of your statements. Get to know a gay or lesbian couple who are in a committed relationship. Search out a transgender person in your area, see them not as a freak of nature but as a warm, loving, caring human with obstacles to face in life merely because of who they are you and I cannot even begin to comprehend. 


"Deviant" behavior of a sexual nature is not confined to the LBGT community, and is, in my opinion, a very subjective term. When we teach children a narrow concept of acceptable behavior, and their nature, experiences and personality lead them outside the boundaries on an individual basis, we are effectively removing from them the support and love they need from us to develop as productive members of their cohort (In statistics and demography, a cohort is a group of subjects who have shared a particular time together during a particular time span ).

I guess I really should stop here, because I truly want white owl at midnight to be a place of calm and reason, and I am walking a narrow line right now. 

www.NaBloPoMo.com

In life, every moment of every day is a teachable and learning moment. This has been one for me, and I am going to watch more closely the few comments made on my blog posts.

Soul Refreshment

Being from the mountains as I am, I have opportunity everyday to gaze upon the awe-inspiring displays of nature. Not everyone is so fortunate.


This is for you.

There is one view, on the way home, I have shared before. When you are driving towards our house from the town of Lebanon, there is one spot I call the top of the world. It truly feels you can see forever, to infinity and beyond as Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story would say. Once you start winding your way down towards the Clinch River, you have a view across the mountains and valleys that will leave you breathless.

My nephew, Grat Slade, took these pictures today. He lives near Bluefield, VA, and there are incredible mountain-scapes there as well. We had a blessing of rain here yesterday, fog last night and bright sun and winds this morning, They combined to put on a show unrivaled anywhere. He describes this as "clouds rolling across East River Mountain". One comment on the picture described watching the same sky this morning : "I was out and stopped the car and just looked at the sky. It was a beautiful sky, it looked like you were pulling up a blanket."

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Soul refreshment.